I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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