She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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