Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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