I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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