PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
