I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
