Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
