my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
