I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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