I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
