thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
