His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My liver just had a heart attack.
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Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic