Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning