He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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