he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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