What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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