So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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