she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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