The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
