dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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