At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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