please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
