look no pants
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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