We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
