you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
