i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
