I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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