Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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