I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
