my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
