no, he came in my armpit
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
