see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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