dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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