I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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