Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
