i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she peed on how many people?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
