just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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