Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
