I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened