Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.