Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far