Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
