Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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