yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
