The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
two words: eviction party
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
did i just pee glitter
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
