so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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