We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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