I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...