i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
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So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.