ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy