I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."