I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
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just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
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Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.