i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
