if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize