i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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