tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
