Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
