She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
