I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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