when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
