Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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